There seems to be the constant message from God lately about waiting.
The messages last Sunday were both about waiting on God and His timing. It seems like God might be trying to teach me patience-- something that is definitely not my strong suit. ;)
Right now I am currently without a steady full time job, I have been sending my application in everywhere but people are either not hiring or I do not fit the qualifications. It is incredibly frustrating, but I keep praying that God will point me in the direction He wants me to go and to open the doors that need to be opened and close the doors that need to be closed. I know that His plan is what is best. And His timing is best....even when I think that my timing would be better.
I wondered why I felt God calling me to not go to Kenya this summer, it was such an amazing experiance last year, but I did not feel a peace about it at all. I ended up not going to Kenya and going to youth camp as a counselor instead. It was an amazing experiance where I met with God and resurrendered my life to Him. On the way home (a 15 hr drive!) I was invited by a sweet friend to come with her and some other friends to India on a mission trip. I have wanted to go to India since I was in 1st or 2nd grade and hear Amy Carmichel's story. I realized that all of this would probably not have fallen into place the way it did if I had ignored God's direction and went to Kenya.
I have seen in others and in my own life how God has a plan, but I guess I'm getting discouraged right now because I do not hear any hard and fast answer of where to go. I'm beginning to wonder if I should pursue nursing because I did not pass the test the first time and I'm wondering if that was a sign from God and if so, where do I go from here? I'm one of those who goes full force at something once I get started and have done that with the nursing degree, so if I don't have that, where do I go? I still would love to pursue that, but what if I'm supposed to do something else?
Ahh..patience...something I'm trying to learn :)
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Storms
Life feels like a whirlwind, or maybe a tornado is a better description.
Since I've returned from camp, I've stayed incredibly busy for the most part...serving in the church, hanging out with friends, preparing for classes, helping my mom get my brother ready for his classes, babysitting, looking for a job... but on days like today when it is more of a "down" day, the voices come back it seems like...when there is a lull in the madness (which is crazy but I love), Satan seems to know that is the perfect time to whisper the lies of worthlessness, loneliness, and being unbeautiful creep in.
The past couple days I've really been hit hard with these thoughts and the depression. And I cannot seem to shake the feelings of failure with my HESI exam. The perfectionist thoughts in my say that I should have aced it, and that maybe my dreams of being a nurse now are null and void because I did not pass the first time. I also feel the pain of loneliness when my schedule is not filled with events and friends. I know that these things shouldn't get to me and that just because a friend cannot hang out one day does not mean they are ignoring me or that they all of a sudden hate me. But these are the thoughts that go through my head, and when these thoughts have been with me so long, they are the ones that seem true.
I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole of the eating disorder and self injurous thoughts and behaviors again...and it scares me..and excites me in a weird way. I don't want it. I'm so done, but at the same time, it has become like an old friend...a comfortable way to fall back.
I'm reminded of Peter when he was called by Jesus to walk out onto the water. He jumped willingly in at first, but quickly became distracted by the storm raging around him, he lost focus on the One who controlled it all.
Jesus, give me strength to focus on you while the world crashes around me. Help me to surrender daily, or even at each moment if I need to to keep You and Your will at my center.
Since I've returned from camp, I've stayed incredibly busy for the most part...serving in the church, hanging out with friends, preparing for classes, helping my mom get my brother ready for his classes, babysitting, looking for a job... but on days like today when it is more of a "down" day, the voices come back it seems like...when there is a lull in the madness (which is crazy but I love), Satan seems to know that is the perfect time to whisper the lies of worthlessness, loneliness, and being unbeautiful creep in.
The past couple days I've really been hit hard with these thoughts and the depression. And I cannot seem to shake the feelings of failure with my HESI exam. The perfectionist thoughts in my say that I should have aced it, and that maybe my dreams of being a nurse now are null and void because I did not pass the first time. I also feel the pain of loneliness when my schedule is not filled with events and friends. I know that these things shouldn't get to me and that just because a friend cannot hang out one day does not mean they are ignoring me or that they all of a sudden hate me. But these are the thoughts that go through my head, and when these thoughts have been with me so long, they are the ones that seem true.
I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole of the eating disorder and self injurous thoughts and behaviors again...and it scares me..and excites me in a weird way. I don't want it. I'm so done, but at the same time, it has become like an old friend...a comfortable way to fall back.
I'm reminded of Peter when he was called by Jesus to walk out onto the water. He jumped willingly in at first, but quickly became distracted by the storm raging around him, he lost focus on the One who controlled it all.
Jesus, give me strength to focus on you while the world crashes around me. Help me to surrender daily, or even at each moment if I need to to keep You and Your will at my center.
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