Storms

Life feels like a whirlwind, or maybe a tornado is a better description.
Since I've returned from camp, I've stayed incredibly busy for the most part...serving in the church, hanging out with friends, preparing for classes, helping my mom get my brother ready for his classes, babysitting, looking for a job... but on days like today when it is more of a "down" day, the voices come back it seems like...when there is a lull in the madness (which is crazy but I love), Satan seems to know that is the perfect time to whisper the lies of worthlessness, loneliness, and being unbeautiful creep in.
The past couple days I've really been hit hard with these thoughts and the depression. And I cannot seem to shake the feelings of failure with my HESI exam. The perfectionist thoughts in my say that I should have aced it, and that maybe my dreams of being a nurse now are null and void because I did not pass the first time. I also feel the pain of loneliness when my schedule is not filled with events and friends. I know that these things shouldn't get to me and that just because a friend cannot hang out one day does not mean they are ignoring me or that they all of a sudden hate me. But these are the thoughts that go through my head, and when these thoughts have been with me so long, they are the ones that seem true.

I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole of the eating disorder and self injurous thoughts and behaviors again...and it scares me..and excites me in a weird way. I don't want it. I'm so done, but at the same time, it has become like an old friend...a comfortable way to fall back.

I'm reminded of Peter when he was called by Jesus to walk out onto the water. He jumped willingly in at first, but quickly became distracted by the storm raging around him, he lost focus on the One who controlled it all.
Jesus, give me strength to focus on you while the world crashes around me. Help me to surrender daily, or even at each moment if I need to to keep You and Your will at my center.