The past few days have been a whirlwind. Well, the past few months, actually. I have gone from wanting to go intoNursing to EMT to Paramedic to Psychology, now I think I've settled on Ministry, with a Psychology degree. My plans have literally changed daily and I'm really not sure what is happening next. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me, because I know it is bigger than anything I could dream myself, but I am unsure of where exactly to go from here. I know I will finish the EMT Basic program, because I believe in finishing what you start and I think it is an excellent opportunity to work in the medical field with only a semester of schooling. Plus I will be able to, even with just a Basic certificate, work on medical missions and even in the hospital.
I guess I am getting a bit anxious, excited for what is in store and wanting that now. I know that I should be patient and enjoy life right now as it is, because I will never get to live this moment again, but it is hard. I am also getting frustrated at myself that I am not 100% perfect in the EMT class. I was always the one growing up where if I could not do it perfectly to start with, I didn't do it. That is why I quit guitar, singing, volleyball, basketball...the list goes on. If I was not a natural, I didn't do it. Even when it came to riding my bike-I remember the first time I fell, I went inside. I was just done. If I couldn't do it, then I wasn't going to. I could not stand failure. I still have a hard time with it. Each mistake feels like a failure. It feels like I am a failure. Satan has a hayday with that and the words tumble around in my head till I feel like I can't breathe. This class has definately tested that. In a way, I'm glad that I feel as if God is calling me to something other than nursing. I know if that is the path He had for me, He'd get me through it, but this one semester of medical has been very, very challenging. I am glad I chose to do this, and I feel that this could be a good step for me, I'd love to see where this goes. I have been talking to some of the P1 students and the instructors about possibly getting a job in a hospital as a Tech with a Basic licence, which I am definately interested in. I also have talked with my boss about continuing exactly where I am in the Afterschool program in the fall, so I really don't know where God wants me now. I know He has the plan and can see the whole picture and I feel as if now I am just being told to wait. I don't like waiting :) I am one of those people who loves to get up and go and I dislike being quiet and still and I feel as though He is trying to teach me to be patient, to be still, and to wait on Him. I get an idea in my head and want to run with it and I'm trying to learn to stop and listen. I feel as though there are a million opportunities open to me and I just need to pick the right one(s). I have already decided that Kenya is out, at least for this summer. I had already started feeling that it wouldn't work out before I even met with Jane and after meeting with her and talking with my mom, it just confirmed everything. I'd honestly love nothing more than to travel the world and just go on missions everywhere, but I know right now, I need to work some more, build up some more income, and focus on school. It is hard for me to sit still! Right now my biggest thing is trying to be patient, be still, and listen to God's leading. I'm terrified I will not hear or I will make the wrong choice, but I know that God's plan will prevale, even if I do not always see. I'm trusting in Him.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Waiting
There seems to be the constant message from God lately about waiting.
The messages last Sunday were both about waiting on God and His timing. It seems like God might be trying to teach me patience-- something that is definitely not my strong suit. ;)
Right now I am currently without a steady full time job, I have been sending my application in everywhere but people are either not hiring or I do not fit the qualifications. It is incredibly frustrating, but I keep praying that God will point me in the direction He wants me to go and to open the doors that need to be opened and close the doors that need to be closed. I know that His plan is what is best. And His timing is best....even when I think that my timing would be better.
I wondered why I felt God calling me to not go to Kenya this summer, it was such an amazing experiance last year, but I did not feel a peace about it at all. I ended up not going to Kenya and going to youth camp as a counselor instead. It was an amazing experiance where I met with God and resurrendered my life to Him. On the way home (a 15 hr drive!) I was invited by a sweet friend to come with her and some other friends to India on a mission trip. I have wanted to go to India since I was in 1st or 2nd grade and hear Amy Carmichel's story. I realized that all of this would probably not have fallen into place the way it did if I had ignored God's direction and went to Kenya.
I have seen in others and in my own life how God has a plan, but I guess I'm getting discouraged right now because I do not hear any hard and fast answer of where to go. I'm beginning to wonder if I should pursue nursing because I did not pass the test the first time and I'm wondering if that was a sign from God and if so, where do I go from here? I'm one of those who goes full force at something once I get started and have done that with the nursing degree, so if I don't have that, where do I go? I still would love to pursue that, but what if I'm supposed to do something else?
Ahh..patience...something I'm trying to learn :)
The messages last Sunday were both about waiting on God and His timing. It seems like God might be trying to teach me patience-- something that is definitely not my strong suit. ;)
Right now I am currently without a steady full time job, I have been sending my application in everywhere but people are either not hiring or I do not fit the qualifications. It is incredibly frustrating, but I keep praying that God will point me in the direction He wants me to go and to open the doors that need to be opened and close the doors that need to be closed. I know that His plan is what is best. And His timing is best....even when I think that my timing would be better.
I wondered why I felt God calling me to not go to Kenya this summer, it was such an amazing experiance last year, but I did not feel a peace about it at all. I ended up not going to Kenya and going to youth camp as a counselor instead. It was an amazing experiance where I met with God and resurrendered my life to Him. On the way home (a 15 hr drive!) I was invited by a sweet friend to come with her and some other friends to India on a mission trip. I have wanted to go to India since I was in 1st or 2nd grade and hear Amy Carmichel's story. I realized that all of this would probably not have fallen into place the way it did if I had ignored God's direction and went to Kenya.
I have seen in others and in my own life how God has a plan, but I guess I'm getting discouraged right now because I do not hear any hard and fast answer of where to go. I'm beginning to wonder if I should pursue nursing because I did not pass the test the first time and I'm wondering if that was a sign from God and if so, where do I go from here? I'm one of those who goes full force at something once I get started and have done that with the nursing degree, so if I don't have that, where do I go? I still would love to pursue that, but what if I'm supposed to do something else?
Ahh..patience...something I'm trying to learn :)
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Storms
Life feels like a whirlwind, or maybe a tornado is a better description.
Since I've returned from camp, I've stayed incredibly busy for the most part...serving in the church, hanging out with friends, preparing for classes, helping my mom get my brother ready for his classes, babysitting, looking for a job... but on days like today when it is more of a "down" day, the voices come back it seems like...when there is a lull in the madness (which is crazy but I love), Satan seems to know that is the perfect time to whisper the lies of worthlessness, loneliness, and being unbeautiful creep in.
The past couple days I've really been hit hard with these thoughts and the depression. And I cannot seem to shake the feelings of failure with my HESI exam. The perfectionist thoughts in my say that I should have aced it, and that maybe my dreams of being a nurse now are null and void because I did not pass the first time. I also feel the pain of loneliness when my schedule is not filled with events and friends. I know that these things shouldn't get to me and that just because a friend cannot hang out one day does not mean they are ignoring me or that they all of a sudden hate me. But these are the thoughts that go through my head, and when these thoughts have been with me so long, they are the ones that seem true.
I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole of the eating disorder and self injurous thoughts and behaviors again...and it scares me..and excites me in a weird way. I don't want it. I'm so done, but at the same time, it has become like an old friend...a comfortable way to fall back.
I'm reminded of Peter when he was called by Jesus to walk out onto the water. He jumped willingly in at first, but quickly became distracted by the storm raging around him, he lost focus on the One who controlled it all.
Jesus, give me strength to focus on you while the world crashes around me. Help me to surrender daily, or even at each moment if I need to to keep You and Your will at my center.
Since I've returned from camp, I've stayed incredibly busy for the most part...serving in the church, hanging out with friends, preparing for classes, helping my mom get my brother ready for his classes, babysitting, looking for a job... but on days like today when it is more of a "down" day, the voices come back it seems like...when there is a lull in the madness (which is crazy but I love), Satan seems to know that is the perfect time to whisper the lies of worthlessness, loneliness, and being unbeautiful creep in.
The past couple days I've really been hit hard with these thoughts and the depression. And I cannot seem to shake the feelings of failure with my HESI exam. The perfectionist thoughts in my say that I should have aced it, and that maybe my dreams of being a nurse now are null and void because I did not pass the first time. I also feel the pain of loneliness when my schedule is not filled with events and friends. I know that these things shouldn't get to me and that just because a friend cannot hang out one day does not mean they are ignoring me or that they all of a sudden hate me. But these are the thoughts that go through my head, and when these thoughts have been with me so long, they are the ones that seem true.
I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole of the eating disorder and self injurous thoughts and behaviors again...and it scares me..and excites me in a weird way. I don't want it. I'm so done, but at the same time, it has become like an old friend...a comfortable way to fall back.
I'm reminded of Peter when he was called by Jesus to walk out onto the water. He jumped willingly in at first, but quickly became distracted by the storm raging around him, he lost focus on the One who controlled it all.
Jesus, give me strength to focus on you while the world crashes around me. Help me to surrender daily, or even at each moment if I need to to keep You and Your will at my center.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
New direction :)
So I just realized this post could possibly be confused with the fact that the band one direction was in town last weekend. No, I was not there, I have not heard any of their songs and the post title is a complete coincidence.
The post title refers to the fact that though I had one plan in mind, God had a completely different one.
I had been desiring to go on a mission trip since the minute our plane touched down on American soil after coming home from Kenya. Well, maybe not the minute after, I was really sick when we first got back, but very shortly after I desired to go back. :)
I remember hearing that the church was going back to Kenya this summer and was very excited to go back, but there was not a peace there about going. I remember asking my mom if God would ever ask you not to go on a missions trip....it seems so..strange I guess is the word I'm looking for. God works in mysterious ways, however... :)
At first, I went to the meetings for Kenya and tried to just continue on with what I thought would be a good plan, but still lacked a peace about going. I finally just began praying that God would either give me a peace to go or a peace to stay, but to make it incredibly clear which I should do. I ended up staying home.
Instead, I went to youth camp, which was amazing. I didn't completely realize it at the time, or maybe I did and just didn't want to admit it, but I was still very much struggling with the things of my past and holding onto sin in my life. It came to a head as I completely broke down on the bus ride to camp to a girl next to me. I think she was simply being nice and trying to make conversation when within 15 minutes of the 15 hour drive I poured out my soul and life to her.
God did amazing things though at camp. He reveled to me what I believe to be the root of my struggle and a reason and probably the main reason I could not seem to fully surrender to Him.
Now I'm trying to take it one day at a time, leaning on His strength and not my own, to even surrender. Because on my own, I can do nothing, but in Him and His power, I can do everything He desires for me to do.
On the way back from camp, the same girl and I were talking about missions and somehow got on the conversation of India- I made mention of how I always wanted to go on a mission trip to India since being inspired by Amy Carmichel's story in elementary school. To my complete shock she told me that she was taking a mission trip to India in January and I should come. Woah. This has been my dream for years, and I didn't think I'd be able to go anytime soon. God obviously had plans in mind when He was telling me to wait on Kenya.
I am still praying that God will show me for sure if this is what He wants, but just the way situations have worked out and everything, I believe it is but I am always open because I know His plans are greater than my own and are for my prosperity. More to come.... :)
The post title refers to the fact that though I had one plan in mind, God had a completely different one.
I had been desiring to go on a mission trip since the minute our plane touched down on American soil after coming home from Kenya. Well, maybe not the minute after, I was really sick when we first got back, but very shortly after I desired to go back. :)
I remember hearing that the church was going back to Kenya this summer and was very excited to go back, but there was not a peace there about going. I remember asking my mom if God would ever ask you not to go on a missions trip....it seems so..strange I guess is the word I'm looking for. God works in mysterious ways, however... :)
At first, I went to the meetings for Kenya and tried to just continue on with what I thought would be a good plan, but still lacked a peace about going. I finally just began praying that God would either give me a peace to go or a peace to stay, but to make it incredibly clear which I should do. I ended up staying home.
Instead, I went to youth camp, which was amazing. I didn't completely realize it at the time, or maybe I did and just didn't want to admit it, but I was still very much struggling with the things of my past and holding onto sin in my life. It came to a head as I completely broke down on the bus ride to camp to a girl next to me. I think she was simply being nice and trying to make conversation when within 15 minutes of the 15 hour drive I poured out my soul and life to her.
God did amazing things though at camp. He reveled to me what I believe to be the root of my struggle and a reason and probably the main reason I could not seem to fully surrender to Him.
Now I'm trying to take it one day at a time, leaning on His strength and not my own, to even surrender. Because on my own, I can do nothing, but in Him and His power, I can do everything He desires for me to do.
On the way back from camp, the same girl and I were talking about missions and somehow got on the conversation of India- I made mention of how I always wanted to go on a mission trip to India since being inspired by Amy Carmichel's story in elementary school. To my complete shock she told me that she was taking a mission trip to India in January and I should come. Woah. This has been my dream for years, and I didn't think I'd be able to go anytime soon. God obviously had plans in mind when He was telling me to wait on Kenya.
I am still praying that God will show me for sure if this is what He wants, but just the way situations have worked out and everything, I believe it is but I am always open because I know His plans are greater than my own and are for my prosperity. More to come.... :)
Friday, June 22, 2012
New Beginnings
So, I have tried this whole blogging thing in the past and it worked for a week and then the blog would sit completely empty years later. I have no idea how this will turn out but I want to document, if nothing else for myself, the journey God is currently leading me on with nursing school and mission trips. I do not know as of yet if I will tell anyone else about this blog, I feel weird with the whole twitter/facebook craze of people having a desperate need to post their inmost thoughts to the world (which are often about how they are eating or going to the restroom). I completely feel that if twitter ever colapses, people will go crazy standing on street corners with cardboard signs not asking for money but desperate to post their 150 characters of their life at the moment.
Rant finished, I do want to write and document what God is doing in my life and possibly share with friends and family if/once I go on my mission trip(s) to keep everyone updated. As of now, this blog is soley to get my thoughts on paper (or screen?) and I apologize if it is not always gramatically correct.
I'm incredibly excited about what God has done and is doing and so excited to see where He takes me. I know He has an ultimate plan and purpose for my life and even though I cannot see the full picture, I'm happy to go on this journey.
Rant finished, I do want to write and document what God is doing in my life and possibly share with friends and family if/once I go on my mission trip(s) to keep everyone updated. As of now, this blog is soley to get my thoughts on paper (or screen?) and I apologize if it is not always gramatically correct.
I'm incredibly excited about what God has done and is doing and so excited to see where He takes me. I know He has an ultimate plan and purpose for my life and even though I cannot see the full picture, I'm happy to go on this journey.
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